you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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