First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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