My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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