I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
