I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
a search helicopter?!
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
