I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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