Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
