and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
