I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
