you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
