I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
