Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
