Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
