make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
