She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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