She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
