She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You're a waste of cheezeits
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
