i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
