I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
