He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
