So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
