Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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