This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
