when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
as a side note pls kill me
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