1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
