I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize