If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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