I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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