Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
