I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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