Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
