I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
