Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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