My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
