For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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