They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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