I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
