i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
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i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
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He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?