dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
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he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
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Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.