I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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