he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
