Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
