and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
