just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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