I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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