we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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