when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
