More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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