Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
