what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
