so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Randomize
