I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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