i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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