Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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