Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
