Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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