slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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