youre lurking in front of me
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
There's always time for handjobs
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Randomize
