Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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