I can tuck mytits in my pants
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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