Yo dont text me then not text me
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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