dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
